Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
