yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
