My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
