I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Found the puke drawer
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
