How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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