It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
