oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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