how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
