remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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