why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
