She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
