I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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