why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
