my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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