The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
