Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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