i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
