So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
