Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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