when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
