I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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