just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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