Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
