Umm I'm too high to move.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
