New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
