he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
