I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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