Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
