you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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