Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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