Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
