You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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