I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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