I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
