she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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