I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar