Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
