Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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