in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
