I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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