the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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