You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
