Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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