I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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