Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We just shotgunned beers for America
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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