if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
