And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize