Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sober January is a disaster.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
