She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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