I can text with my tongue
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
