I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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