Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at about main and main street
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
