She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
