You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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