You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
