So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
