She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
