I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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