I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
