I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
